Tuesday, June 15, 2010

God is Bigger

Today has been one of those days where I feel like I just cannot catch up. I didn't even cook dinner last night and somehow the dishes keep piling up! I've made a number of attempts to pick up the house (that was spotless yesterday, by the way!) and feel like nothing changes. So I gave up. We went on a nice walk this absolutely gorgeous day, and then I blew up Marie's little pool and we played in it and with the hose and the sprinkler.

I'm suddenly speechless. How do I describe how I feel about today? Let's see... if I close my eyes to the clutter, the ridiculous amount of packing left to do, the piles of laundry to put away... I can't because that is part of my life. And I can't imagine life any better! The sweet moments listening to my daughter giggle as she splashes in her tiny pool we got for a dollar at a garage sale before she was even born, are just reminders that no matter where we are, what we have, who we're with, as long as I have my little family (that is growing rapidly!) I can't imagine life any better.

It's so easy to forget that. Maybe that is why God sort of forced me to give up on the house and spend time getting some vitamin D with my favorite little Goober. I needed to remember.

On the flip side, I have a little complaining... no, expressing of concerns to do. Jack is not due until July 8. But that date really has very little relevance (other than being my Baby Girl's 2nd birthday of course!) now that we have a csections scheduled for July 1. I know even that date is still 2 weeks and 2 days away, but each day that passes, I get a little bit more anxious for this child to come on his own. At church Sunday, Dr. Mike was talking about the end times. He makes it so easy to understand, I learned a lot! Anyway, the passage was 1 Thess. 5 and in verse 3 it says, "While they are saying, 'Peace and safety!' then desctruction will come upon them suddenly like labor pains upon a woman with child, and they will not escape." Dr. Mike was commenting on how moms and dads know what that's like. My heart just sank. While it has absolutely nothing to do with the passage, all I could think about was how I'm a mom who has no idea what it's like.

Oh brother, now I'm gonna cry.

I know it's probably insane to desperately want to go into labor and feel all the pain involved. Especially after a glitch-free csection where I not only felt no pain, I felt nothing! And it was actually glorious. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm just not a very good mom if I can't even give birth to my own child. Or at least attempt to.

God knows my heart better than even I do, and I'm working hard to rest in His perfect plan. But I am human, I am a mom, and I long to give birth to my little.. I mean BIG... JackJack. I can't help but be jealous of all the women that I keep coming across who have lived through their ideal birthing experience. It's completely out of my hands, which is definitely a very good thing, but is also incredibly hard.

On Thursday I'll be 37 weeks. For 37 weeks (or somewhere around there), we've been praying for Jack to come on his own on this day - June 17th. Please pray with us! God's will be done! His is WAY better than mine!

1 comment:

  1. I prayed for you today Lindser! Remember that even if you can't birth him naturally it's still God's plan....I would rather have you have surgery than have terrible complications that could injure or take your life or Jack's...back then think about women who had large babies but no way to do surgery and they got stuck and died from blood loss or things like that. Just think of it that way and maybe it'll help a little bit...but hopefully God will answer your prayers and ours with a yes to vaginal delivery....you're not a bad mom, just one that leaves it in God's hands!


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